i don’t suck

i went to sleep hurting inside & out and woke up the same even s few times during the night. woke up once and heard it raining so i went back to sleep. i don’t really want to talk about it anymore. because it doesn’t matter want i say because i will always be misunderstood. in fact, i don’t want to talk at all anymore.  it just hurts to talk and still be alone and have to dual with everything alone. and i now i will hear one thing but get proved another. so what’s the point anymore?  i need sensitive people like me to understand me. not those that could care less and make it worse.  i like to be alone so no one can hurt me. it’s had to feel good or safe with people you can’t rust.  i now know i never had a real friend at all or a real love.  why did i think any of that was real or that they really cared? i have no clue. i guess it’s just what i wanted it be but not what it actually was. i listened to the words and just expected the actions to follow..  but now i know i am truly worth nothing to them and that i am noting to them. as i sit here still hurting. it just feels unbelievable. i had dreams again. i don’t want to dream of them anymore. in my dreams they are nice to me and smiling and there for me. but that’s’ not reality.  i wish it could be but it won’t and can’t. i try to think of the good times but now they all seems o fake.  like it wasn’t real and din’t mean anything. it meant something to me. everything but apparently i was just a sick game.  and my disorder is just a joke to them  they always say they will do better or try to help but they never do. they always say they will be there for me but they never are.  they just do nothing. and that makes me feel worse and even  more alone and worthless.  and i will never forget that. or how everything i like sucks. i get so much negativity everywhere else int he world. i just wanted one place to feel better and happy. not the same or worse.  but at least now i know some of the problem. and i know the person i have became that isn’t me.  now i see what everything has been doing to me. turning me into something i’m not. and people that really know me know this person isn’t me. i know the real me and this isn’t it. i have been letting all the bad stuff destroy me and turn me into this person. everything really does not suck. it’s just all the downer stuff making me think it dues and it’s starting to get to me.  causing meltdowns cause i started feeling like suck to them too.  but i am going to be okay and i will get better.  i just got to look for the positive things. cause everything and everyone can’t suck. there has to be some positive good things out there.  there are. i just gotta stop letting the negative get me down and stop being around it. that music doesn’t suck. the weather doesn’t suck.  and everything i like that others doesn’t dos not suck. it’s just what i like. so hate everything even me. i don’t care anymore. yes i  like a little vo, yes i like all kinds of music yes i lik snow, rain, winter, summer spring and fall. . i don’t like burning up and freezin but  i still like it in other ways. yes i love rain. i love a lot of things that you say sucks  if you think i suck then so be it. i am the person that likes to laugh a lot and be happy. i am not this person. i like to enjoy doing things and feeling happy. not this person. but ti’s hard when i hear everything sucks. i have even been that person a lot lately. and that really sucks. so maybe i have sucked for aw while. but pain does that to you.