hate mail daily

wow. just got more hate  mail. nothing new lately. i guess that’s what happens when too many people are in the equation. but i’m the wrong for feeling upset about it all.  i wonder what it’s like to be loved. really loved.  i guess i will never know. a love with no secrets and lies and deceptions. a love that doesn’t keep in contact with and flirt with the past.  a love that doesn’t lie or hurt.  every time i do feel love then after a while i end up getting hurt and ripped apart.  and the pain gets so unbearable. and i wonder what’s so wrong with me that they did what they did in the first place. and if they feel the need to lie to me then why even be with me. especially when you know of all the hurt i’ve been through in the past. why hurt me too?   why not just be upfront and say hey i want to be with you but i want to keep my options open or keep flirting and messing with so and so . why make me think it’s something it’s not?  things that have happened months ago still hurt me so much. because i wonder why i meant so little and why i wasn’t worth the truth  and i also wonder what would be happening now if i hadn’t got those messages  would i just be some blind fool? probably. although i am sick of getting hate mail, the messages with the conversations opened my eyes to how little i meant. .and it hurts like hell.. along with all of the other hate mail i get. i still keep racking my brain trying to figure out why i deserved that   but maybe i don’t.. i guess that is just how they are. i just happened to walk into it with different intentions.  it seems my life mission is to get my heart broken.  i’m so sic of hurting. and i am sick of getting my hopes up just to be disappointed.  i have no trust, no happiness. i feel so worthless. so no i doubt i will ever know real true love.  people can say they love me all day but actions is where it’s at.